


Three Christmases

by pallasathene



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Getting Together, M/M, although part 1 is fluff, and then you write THIS because your otp is TRAGIC, can't lie this is a downer, sometimes you're sitting watching tv on christmas day and you start thinking about your otp, there's something for everyone!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 17:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pallasathene/pseuds/pallasathene
Summary: Remus's Christmases in 1978, the Lost Years, and 1995.





	Three Christmases

1978

It’s Remus’s first Christmas after Hogwarts, and he’s spending it at Lily and James’s new cottage. Sirius and Peter are there too, of course. Lily has charmed icicles to hang, unmelting, from the Christmas tree, and fairylights have been strewn everywhere.

Around midday, Lily and James are preparing Christmas dinner, and Remus hovers near them, wanting to be helpful. The kitchen is tiny, though, and soon Lily bumps into him and potatoes fall on the floor and roll in every direction. Lily tactfully says that perhaps he should build a fire in the living room instead.

So he builds the fire and lights it, and Sirius comes in and sits down. Remus can see him lounging in an armchair out of the corner of his eye. Sirius isn’t welcome at the Black family home for Christmas, or on any day. ‘As if I care. Bunch of fucking prejudiced vipers,’ he had spat, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette as if for emphasis. ‘They don’t know how to celebrate Christmas anyway.’

Remus sits opposite him, and Merlin, he feels self-conscious in his holey jumper next to Sirius’s effortless elegance. He knows why, of course. It took him years to realise that he was in love with Sirius but he’s painfully aware of it now. But Sirius is talking, saying something about the war and the people who have gone missing and how they all might not have much time left. Remus nods along, unsure where this is going.

Sirius leans closer to him and gets a look in his eye. ‘Anything you want to confess before we both end up on the wrong end of a Death Eater’s wand?’ he says, and Remus’s heart starts pumping _he knows he knows he knows_ , and he doesn’t hear what Sirius says next but he does see him leaning further forward and feels his mouth against his own.

All Remus can say when they break apart is ‘You just kissed me,’ and Sirius laughs and looks down at his feet, looking almost shy for a moment. Remus’s nerves melt away and he feels like laughing aloud. He puts a hand in Sirius’s hair and kisses him again.

It’s at that moment that James walks in, asking if anyone wants some wine. He practically collapses in a chair when he sees them. Remus feels slightly worried before James says ‘I thought you’d never get on with it!’ and rushes out of room shouting ‘Lily, Peter – they’re finally snogging!’, making Remus turn bright red with embarrassment.

All through the rest of the day Remus keeps catching Sirius’s eye and smiling, and they sneak away to kiss when they can.

It’s not perfect, of course. Lily and James argue about something silly at one point, and Remus feels guilty about not spending the day with his parents. But years later he doesn’t remember this, and his recollection of the day is like a Christmas card.

They all start to feel restless, too, around two o’clock, and wish they could go out for a walk before it gets dark. They know that it’s too dangerous beyond the protective charms of the house, however. Remus doesn’t know exactly what they’re using, but he knows Dumbledore had something to do with it, so he feels safe.

Instead, they cluster around the fire playing board games and eating mince pies and talking and laughing into the evening. They play Celestina Warbeck’s Christmas songs, and some Muggle favourites, and when they’ve heard all of them James and Sirius start singing carols. They come up with a Hippogriff themed version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen which they sing at the top of their lungs before collapsing in laughter.

  
The Lost Years

There are many, many Christmases that blur into one. Sometimes Remus stays inside all day, in whatever run-down place he's living at the time. He doesn't celebrate. The thought of putting up decorations on his own is depressing, and the idea of going to the shop to get a turkey dinner for one on Christmas Eve, and the pitying look the cashier would give him, makes him laugh bitterly.

Sometimes he goes out into the Muggle world, hunched in the cold, eyes downcast to avoid seeing the lights bedecking the streets. He goes and eats in a Chinese restaurant, but even there the happy, non-celebrating families remind him of what he doesn't have.

He would never go into the Wizarding world. He imagines people’s sidelong glances and their disgust, convinced they can smell the wolf on him.

There’s a constant knot in his stomach every day, but most of all at Christmas. The man he first kissed on this day so many years ago is in prison for murder. He tries not to think about Sirius, about any of them, but he still dreams of him sometimes. They're happy dreams, invariably set at Hogwarts in the summer and drenched in a kind of golden light that was rarely present in Scotland in reality. He wakes up feeling sick. He still loves Sirius, and he hates himself for that.

  
1995

Christmas that year is almost normal. Remus is worried about how Sirius will feel today, knowing how terrible he is at hiding his emotions and how easily he could bring down the mood of the entire household. But Sirius seems genuinely happy. They even sleep in the same bed and hold each other as the bells ring out for Christmas morning, and later he and Sirius give Harry a joint present like a couple of married uncles.

Sirius sings carols around the house, including the Hippogriff one that he and James came up with as a joke, and it breaks Remus’s heart a little to hear it again, now.

Later, they all go to St Mungo’s to visit Arthur but Sirius has to stay behind. ‘Don’t worry about me,’ Sirius says as they prepare to leave, seeing the way Remus looks at him with concern. ‘I’ll be alright on my own for a few hours.’

And he is alright, but soon Christmas is over and the days seem to speed by in their haste to get to New Year. The children are preparing to go back to Hogwarts and Sirius gets gloomier and gloomier. Remus tries to cheer him up, or just to be there for him, but any conversation they have ends up devolving into an argument, and sometimes Sirius seems to be doing it on purpose. Remus is nothing if not patient, but there’s only so much he can take.

On the day that Harry goes back to school, they’re in Sirius’s room and they’re fighting again about nothing, about everything. Sirius angrily bursts out with ‘I loved you, but James was my best friend’. _Loved_. The past tense hits Remus like a punch in the stomach.

‘I still love you,’ says Remus. ‘I always loved you, even when I thought you were a murderer.’ He knows he’s guilt tripping, and he almost says sorry, but then Sirius’s face crumples. ‘That’s not what I meant,’ he says hoarsely. ‘I do still love you, of course I do.’

They kiss then, gripping each other tight with tears leaking from their eyes. Remus remembers what Sirius had said to him by the fire all those years ago. How long do they have left? How long before they end up on the wrong end of a Death Eater’s wand?


End file.
